What went wrong..?

The trees far away & my smoking ladybird

2009-07-05T12:04:00.000-07:00

I ride my bike and travel around the small streets and the universe. I see the sun shining behind the trees and I am glad I brought my hat with me. Sometimes you bring stuff with you “just incase” but the case never occurs. Even if you are waiting for the slightest excuse to interpret it as “the case”, but then you feel stupid pretending this to be “the case”, because it’s obviously not. Between here and the trees over there it might take me 2 hours and 33 minutes. Naa, lets say 3 hours and 79 minutes. Well, there is no 79. They are watching I know, and they are probably much developed than we are, but maybe not. I wrote the cards and looked out of the window and thought deeply about them, and told them that I am waiting for them, and I am ready to meet them, and want to meet them, but they never came. I crave for that cigarette, but can’t think about that now. I am supposedly a non-smoker and I am very proud of myself…most of the time. At other times I ask myself: Why the fuck did I quit smoking?!! Those situations are usually something like this: I am standing among 30 or more people who are all smoking. As simple as that.
I love those mushrooms and wish I can find more ladybirds among the freshly washed cloths like it used to happen to us when I was a little girl. I loved to have them walk around my fingers, then my hand, then my arm, and then I bring them back out of the window and set them free. They say they bring luck, but they used to bring me happiness…..but doesn’t the fact that I found a lot of them make me lucky?

Sure I am ;).

التليفزيون

2009-07-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

فى حالة وجود أية مشكلات، برجاء الإتصال بنا على الأرقام التالية: زيرو تلات سبعاااااات خمس تلاف.
تيييت كبير وخطير تيييت طويل طويل طويل وخطير وكبير وعظيم وطخين ووسيم.
سفيرة أمريكا فى مصر: ولاكن بعد إنتخاب حماس إن حماس بالطبع إن كانوا يرغبون عليهم أن يلتزموا وينبذوا العنف فهذه هى أسس السلم هل الولايات المتحدة الأمريكية مستعدة أن تتعامل مع منظمة التحرير الفلسطنينية، والدخول فى مفاوضات السلام ونتطلع إلى خطاب أوباما هنا فى مصر.
تعقيب من مذيعة مصرية عبيطة: على فكرة الحوار دة ويمكن زيارة الرئيس مبارك، دة مش كلامى دة كلام الصحف الأمريكية.

الكثير من الأعوام بعد أن الجيلى فيش كان من الحيوانات الشفافة ويمكن إيجاده فى العديد من البحار.
إسرائيل .....فرانك فرانك تعالى إلى هنا فبعض الناس الأشرار يراقبونا وأنا أحتاج لمساعدتك.أنا أحب رجل لا يحبنى، هذا الفيلم أحبه لكنه فيلم عبيط ولامؤخذة حريمى، بس بحبه عشان لذيذ وخفيف ونهايته حلوة unlike many movies nowadays.

Smart move Mr. Ramsis!!!!!

2006-12-14T05:30:00.000-08:00

Cars.... slow car, straight, still slow car, square, drive left, no more slow car, right, stop…
Traffic infront of the bridge. 10 minutes in the same spot. At the end of the bridge: a car broken. Man underneath the car fixing it. Never crossed his mind to move the car 2 meters to the front and then 2 meters to the side and spare me 10 minutes of my precious time. After bridge fast again….not that fast actually. Fast is a relative thing. I drive straight, take the road underneath 6th of October bridge (the “Road of the Clever”, as we used to call it…. But should change the name…..they are not so clever anymore). Drive in curves, stop for no reason, bridge, then down again, then STOP.
I stop in the part, where Ramsis statue stood for around… 50 years?
But he left the area. He realized, like most of us, how crowded and polluted the area became and he decided to move outside Cairo to the new neighborhoods. Like many Caireans, who left Cairo and went to the suburbs, Mr. Ramsis did the same.
But though some of these Caireans were smart to leave the crowded city, they weren’t smart enough, or maybe not lucky enough, to find a job within or near their new neighborhoods. So they have to drive E-VERY-DAY to the city center and get stuck in the traffic, AND increase the number of cars driving around Cairo to the double during the day.
Mr. Ramsis, did something else. He didn’t leave his old house, Ramsis Square, and go to the new suburb until he found a job nearby his new house. So he’s actually living and working in the same area…. Actually same spot.

No time for love.

2006-03-23T05:53:00.000-08:00

Everything so hectic. 24 hours seem not enough. 7 days are few. 2 days weekend are not available. I miss you and can’t seem to find you. We meet on higher grounds or on lower ones, and both are not real. I look at you, but you don’t see me. Things on your mind make you go away while you’re sitting next to me. I remember the telepathy between us long time ago, but now so far away. Our minds don’t meet, our eyes don’t look at eachother, and our bodies are close yet far away. I long to the days when we had nothing on our minds. When the next months weren’t planned, and when today was what really mattered. Between smoke and tension nothing seems normal anymore. We’ve got life on our mind all the time, yet we don’t have time to enjoy it. You smile, but behind your smile I see you drifting somewhere else. Believe it or not I think this thing is not brining us any closer. Yet to gain the fruit of the effort, one has to wait and be patient. Why do you not see me? Why does space and time bring us far from eachother? Can I bring the vibe again? Can I bring the smile from inside you rather than the fake one outside? Where is the love? Where is the care? Everyone so self-centered, everyone self-absorbed. Memories are all that’s left, yet we wish to re-live them again. Hope is all that’s left for me. But if lost, life is not worth living.

2006-02-15T15:33:00.000-08:00

I take the loved from the lover

I take the child from the mother

I take the enemy from the foe

I take everything and go

My mission is to obey the rules

I’m too strong to act like fools

If I’m ordered to take a king

Even his armies won’t change a thing

I’m the sad end of a love story

I’m the reason for a king’s fading glory

I’m sudden, evil and black

I come from behind and immediately attack

I’m not ashamed to do my mission

I’m not afraid to confess my passion

Yes, I do enjoy to kill

And I do this with my own free will

I do not blame others for what they do

Even if they are doctors and cure the few

So respect me or go to hell

And to do the second my friend, I can help yew as well. ;)

the MIX

2005-12-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

When I was walking down this road and then BANG something hits me in the face.

I stumble and fall and I don't even realize what hit me, until I go home, look in the mirror and see half of my face gone. I try to take parts of my left eye and ear and put them on the other side to feel complete again, but nothing works. I am handicapped. It should be ok, if I am looking for a job in Europe, where people of such disabilities get a CHANCE, which is a word not known here in my beloved Egypt.
Anywayz........I realize now what hit me...NO, not a bus, but the REALITY. The reality hit me just for a second, and I was wearing my colorful hat that yew gave me some years ago, and now it blew far away, and came back on my half-head again. I need to smoke...

It's my Birthday today!!!!!!

2005-10-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

When you feel it inside your body and soul; a certain shivering that you experience suddenly: like a certain rush of emotions (happiness, love, gratitude, care, affection etc.) and you see the whole world... not the whole world, but the world around you right now (e.g. your room) as one of THE happiest, most welcoming places in the world... THEN you should know that you are either: 1) newly in love, 2) high on drugs, 3) or actually high on anything that can get you high, OR 4) newly in love + high on whatever + listening to great music + feeling good about yourself + being grateful for every tiny, little thing that happened and is happening to you on this very day.
When you experience all of the above, then you are allowed to call this day: your "birthday"!
Why? Because people convince us that our birthdays are supposed to be EXTRAORDINARY days. And sadly, because of this high expectation, usually our birthdays suck and turn out to be one of the most boring, or sad, or disorganized days of our lives.
So when you experience one of those exceptionally multi- emotions-super-happy days, do me this favor: go get yourself a cake, make a wish, and blow the candle(s).
Believe me... your wish will come true.

For all the "Thank You's" that I didn't say...

2005-10-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

I’ve never seen you before, but I always heard about you, since I was a little girl. I always tried to imagine how you look like. These imaginations were built up on the different things I heard “grown-ups” say about you. They said that you’re big, that you’re strong, and that you punish us when we do mistakes. Whenever kids like me did something wrong, our parents would tell us that you’re going to be mad at us. We were immediately scared, because we didn’t want to piss you off. Not because we loved you, but because we were scared of you, and because we were scared of the punishment… of YOUR punishment.
Recently, after so many years of experience, questions, discussions, readings, conversations, ideas, information, and meditation, your picture in my mind changed alot. Suddenly you didn’t look big and scary anymore. Now… you look more like a sweet old man, veeery old, with white hair and beard, with a sweet smile in your eyes… you’re not always smiling I know, sometimes you have to look angry, but this angriness doesn’t erase the smile in your eyes. These warm eyes that make me love you more and more and more. These welcoming eyes that say: “whatever you do, I love you”.  And I think to myself: “I love you, too”.
But you know why? Not only because of your welcoming smile, or your encouragement of every improvement and progress I bring to my life, but because of so many things. I love you and I thank you at the same time. I thank you for my life… I thank you for every breath you gave and still give me. I thank you for my father, for the relationship we’ve developed now and for the love and affection we have and show to eachother. I thank you for my sister, for how close we became, for how strong she is, and for the many advice she gave me throughout the past year. I thank you for my aunt, who’s become a mother to me and my sister since 3 years, and who is doing it willingly and affectionately. I thank you for their lives, for their presence in my life, for their health and well-being, for their love and care…
Do you know what else I want to thank you for? I want to thank you for my health, I want to thank you for my friends, for my closest and farthest, for those who hurt me, and those who loved me, for those who helped me, and those who taught me, and those who stood by me, and those who encouraged me. I thank you for my boyfriend, who’s been a great support through many hard times throughout the past years especially with my mother’s death, and especially during the past months after my return from abroad. I thank you for making our roads cross 7 years ago, and for making them cross again and again after we broke up twice.
I thank you for making me come back home safely everyday. I thank your for protecting me from illnesses and diseases from which other people suffer and die everyday. I thank you for the food I find easily and don’t suffer to get. I thank you for never making me thirsty or in short of water. I thank you for the education I got, for the experience I had, for the problems I faced, for all the moments of happiness and sadness that I went through, for every laugh I enjoyed, and every tear drop I dreaded, for every nice summer vacation I had, for every funny moment I had with my family, for every party I went to with friends, for every exam I passed, and every lesson I learned, for every book I read, and every song I listened too, for every new friend I made, and those of them that are still my friends.
I thank you for all the moments of my life, I thank you and I thank you, and I keep thanking you, but I know that it’s not enough. It’s not enough to show how grateful I am… how grateful I am for all the things you give me, all your help in the difficult situations. You’re so good to me; how you made me forget, when I thought I will always be missing my mom for every second until the end of my life, how you made me love again, when I thought I was broken hearted, how you made me cry, when I thought I was stronger, how you made me learn, when I thought “I knew it all”, how you made me happy, when I thought I am the happiest one on earth. I thank you for your presence in my life, for the signs you gave me and those you still give me until this very moment. I thank you for the tests you make me go through, and how they are always so meaningful and make perfect sense… afterwards.
God, I thank you for making me the person I came to be, I thank you for seeing through me, and I thank you for your smiley eyes that look at me.

What went wrong..?

2005-08-30T16:35:00.000-07:00

Wearing my black hat at night while I'm sitting alone in my room, and the "hats addiction" that I have does not make any sense, but still I collect them. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and realized that apart from shoes, slippers, newpapers, CDs, full and empty plastic bags, books, and a foto album, nothing else is on the floor of your room. Communism is associated with red, but also love, and in the e-mail that I read a couple of days ago, they said that those who wear red are the most confident of all people. HA!! Now you're one of them.
Again FLASHBACK. Why do we keep thinking of the past? She said: "The future is a mistress that is so hard to please, and the past is a pebble in my shoe". Insomnia.... every night. You watch Fight Club and you think you're not alone. Not because Edward Norton, or Tyler Durden can't sleep at night too, but because there are people around the world, who have the same thoughts.
SARA & ME 1980, the calendar of me and Mama hanging right infront of my nose and showing us together when I was...hmm 1 year old?! I wonder what the hell is going on with me. I remember Yasser.....10 minutes brainstorming at the beginning of every class. That reminds me: have to contact him to ask about his father. I remember the defence of my thesis. SHIT! More studying coming up. Can't do this anymore. I wish I can paint.... would be more interesting than writing. At least even if it doesn't seem to make sense, there is always the 0.0001% possibility that 50 years from now, someone will think that they are a piece of art, and they will sell my paintings in auctions for millions of dollars.
I am hungry. What a day. I wish I can errase my memory card. Especially the pictures' section. I want to make something, that will errase all my mistakes, especially the ones I didn't do yet. What could that be? Hmmmmm plant some apple trees in the middle of the street, or build this orphanage I thought about a month ago.... although I hate orphans... I mean, I have always hated movies about orphans, so I never liked to get in contact with them. Strange idea ha? First time I realize this.......
A nice, fast, yellow car running next to a rocky coast would do me good right now. I wish I was in Greece..... I mean I wish I was there in my summer holidays, which is now... why Greece? I don't know, seems close. And it was mentioned twice today. So why not.
I don't want to go to bed. Insomnia? I want to put my head on the pillow and sleep immediatly. Been fucking thinking for the past 2 nights. But thinking about what? That's the question. Baby blue is not my favorite color. If one day I have twins: a girl and a boy, I will dress the boy in pink and the girl in blue.
I won't be a mother anywayz, not in the near future I guess. Probably as a punishment for this constant remark I will realize one day that I can't have babies anywayz, and then I am gonna regret the fucking remark. Why do I always think about "REGRET"?
Next time I bake a cake, I am gonna make sure it tastes good. Not that I baked a cake before. I think I am hungry...
Papa smurf was carrying the solution for every mother, who hates her situation... but no one listened. I wonder why the hell do they teach us stuff all through our lives, to realize later that no one believes in them........except for us, seconds ago. I feel like I have wasted my life. Or maybe there was a point behind this not-making-sense mechanism.

Bits and pieces from the past...

2005-08-28T02:09:00.000-07:00

We TaLkeD
So LoNg
We LaUgHeD
So LoNg
I WaS sAd
YoU tOo
You MaDe Me LaUgh
Me ToO
You'Re FaR AwAy
I MiSs YoU
You JuSt WaNt To StAy
I LoVe YoU
DoN't LeAvE Me AgAiN
Coz It's HaRd FoR Me
To Be AwAy FrOm YoU
And StiLl Be FaItHfuL

When I become older...I will regret when I was younger

2005-07-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

Yew look back at the last year and yew can’t believe that it flew by so fast. Yew look back at this last year and yew think about the things yew did, the things yew didn’t do, the things yew said, and the things yew didn’t say. Yew think about these things, then yew pause and yew wonder: if these things happen again, would I react the same way like during this last year? Or would I do things differently? Would I have spent more time with my mom? Would I have partied much more with my friends? Would I have done more effort in my studies? I think I would. And this is scaring me to know that only after one year, I am already regretting the things I did and/or didn’t do. So what about after 30 years, when I become 54 years and I look back at myself when I was 24…how many things will I regret then?!!!

One day when the sun was shining

2005-07-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining on my face. I close my eyes. I see my past months passing by. FLASHBACK. So many things happen and yew just realize it months afterwards. Do yew want to catch the bus? Yew run to catch the bus. Yew run fast. Yew are not sure whether it’s the right one, but yew don’t want to miss it. Yew’re out of breath. Yew catch it….yew breath. Yew have this smile (of triumph) on your face. Yew realize it’s the wrong bus. Disappointment! Do yew cry? Do yew regret? Do yew feel that time, effort and life were wasted? Or yew just get out of the bus in the next station and move on?
It’s always like this.
I love the sun on my face. It’s always a good sign. It gives me hope. But I keep thinking: Am I up to the challenge? Can I make it? Sometimes everything goes wrong. Even the sun…the sun goes down and yew’re suddenly left all alone. No more sun on your face. Yet… yet I can survive. Yet I know the sun will shine again tomorrow. Am I weak? Am I strong? How did I come here? The road is full of signs. Yew miss one of them and your life takes another direction. But how else will yew learn? Not by following a manual. Not by other people’s experience. Not by abstaining from doing the “wrong” things. Not by locking yourself in a room. Not by sticking to one job, or same friends, or same principles, or ideas, or beliefs, or thoughts, ideals, memories, aspirations, but most importantly: not by sticking to the same goals…
It is all about experience. Do yew want to make use of experience? Do yew want to learn from it? I feel alone. The sun is gone. I listen to the music. I listen to my mind. I listen to my ideas. I hear my heart aching. Calling for happiness to come again. Calling for the sun to shine to warm my soul. I feel empty. I look in the mirror and I can’t recognize myself. Is this a strange person? Is it the same old person with new features? Is it me ignoring myself? It’s still me yew know?! Why do yew ignore me? I missed the moment of happiness today… it passed me by. And I regret it. I thought the sun shining on my face was my moment of happiness today. But it wasn’t. It was an illusion that I wanted to believe. It is like music. Like dreams. Like imagination. It is like yoga. Drugs. Religion. Friends. Money. Sports. Reading. Family. Movies. Sex. Work. Sweets. Lover. Beliefs. Children. They all make us happy in one way or another… but the question is: ARE WE?!

Written by Inji Ayad (best sister ever!!!)

2005-07-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

When we were young we were told about stories like Snow-White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. These stories had pleasant endings of marriage where the couple lived happily ever after. As we grew older we began to read about Romeo and Juliet and that they didn’t live for love; in fact they died for it. We began to know the other side of the coin; that love stories don't always end happily. However, through these stories that we were told in our childhood we grew up so eager to experience love and live the story. As we feel that being in love is the most honorable cause or belief we could live, fight or even die for. I believe that many people around the globe with difference in religion, age and social class share these feelings. So, is love a myth that people invented through the years to have some idea to believe in or a cause to live for; or is there somewhere in the world a true love? Who has the right to live a true love story? Does it happen to anyone? But all these questions could be solved on the personal level. In fact the only question I couldn't find an answer for is:

Why do we fall in love accidentally? Why can't we control with whom we fall in love? When or where or for how long? Why is it out of our hands; that we feel so helpless, foolish and out of control? Without expected timing we begin to look at another person as we see him/her for the first time in our life. We begin to have faster heartbeats, rising blood pressure and higher body temperature. The reaction to these changes is that we feel so uncomfortable; loose the balance and lack being natural. Then we tend to do things due to these feelings without referring to any rational thinking. As we got used that our mind controls our heart and that before any action there are many equations to be calculated. But suddenly the mind is drugged by an unknown poison that hinders its' function. The heart; whose actions will always be unpredictable; becomes the master. Feelings begin to flow faster than a waterfall; butterflies come to our stomach whenever we see or even think about that person, our emotions jump from extremes; and things begin to get so messy. Life starts to take a different stance; everything becomes prettier and more attractive in our eyes. We start to feel that life is enjoyable than ever. The accident that happens without any expected timing and paralyzed our minds' movement became totally out of control. I can't help any one to find an answer for how we can avoid these feelings because I couldn't find a solution for myself. However, I thought of sharing my feelings with others maybe it will make me feel slightly better. Although love is the most enjoyable desire and pleasure we long to experience; at the same time it could be one of the most hurtful situations one could sense; we simply can never avoid it.

What the hell happened during the last year and what the hell did I wanna say?

2005-07-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

ONE WHOLE YEAR is coming to an end. And suddenly I look back and I'm like: What the hell did I do during this past year? And where the hell did the days go? I remember the day when I received the acceptance "e-mail" and I couldn't believe it at all. I remember telling Baba about it and telling him: "It's gonna be very hard for me to live one year away from yew, but I wanna go through the experience". I remember the day I arrived in Venice and had to drag my broken bag in Gudecca all alone. And I remember the farewell party in Venice, and later on the same day when I had to take: a 1) taxi, 2) vaporetto, 3) bus, 4) plane, 5) bus, 6) taxi... in order to arrive to Brussels.
I remember other things as well ;). But.... what the hell did I want to say? Hmmm.... I think I forgot.